I Want an Us, No Matter the Capacity

I know I've got some people in my life who aren't going to understand this one. I can hear them already... mostly because they have already voiced their opinions pretty clearly. But that doesn't matter to me. I love you.

I don't know how to say all of this without sounding dramatic... so bear with me.
I know it's only been a few days but not talking to you is quite literally killing me. I can't eat. I don't sleep more than two hours at a time. The pins and needles are back and quite constant in my shoulder. And getting out of bed is something I have to fight for each morning.

The hardest part of all of this is that I'm constantly sad. I just want to text you to make me feel better. You always made me feel better. And now I can't.

It's been 106 hours since I left you with my heart on three sheets of paper. And sure, we've talked since then. It's so superficial though. In two years, I don't think I ever had a superficial conversation with you like these are. My heartaches constantly. I cry anytime I'm alone; and sometimes when I'm not. People are trying to be supportive but no matter which stance they take, I get upset with them. No one knows how this feels.

I know this was my choice and you are trying to do what I asked, but that doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what I wanted but this doesn't feel right.

I've never questioned myself so much.

I swore this was the right decision before I made it. Now I can't help but feel like I had no idea what I was getting into. Being upset on my own was one thing, at least I still had you in my life. Because even though you were the source of my breaking heart, you made me feel better. You've always been able to make me feel better. But now, now I've done more damage. Now I'm not only hurting, but you are too. And I hate that. Seeing you upset, pains me more than being upset myself.

These past five days have taught me a lot about myself and about the people in my life. Maybe not the things that everyone else thinks it should have learned though. If I ever doubted it before, the past five days have taught me how important you truly are to me. And I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I know that one day, I'll get there. I need you. I can't explain that to anyone else. I'm so tired of hearing that I shouldn't need anyone. That I should be strong enough to do this. That I give you too much control of my life. I don't see it that way. And I do need people. I don't know what's so wrong with that.

I need you. But more than that, I want you. I want you in my life. Forever.
I can't live like this. I wasn't made for being in someone's life so fully, just to tear myself out of it over night.

I don't know what capacity I get to have you. I don't know what roles we will play in each other's lives from this point forward. But I know that I can't continue feeling like half of myself is missing.

I know that I want an "us." I don't know what that means or what that looks like anymore. But I can't accept that the fact that "us" doesn't exist anymore. My heart can't handle that. I know that I want to be a part of your future. I want road trips and beach adventures. I want sad pizzas and movie nights. I want inside jokes and 56 snapchats in one day. I want hugs and promises of better things on bad days. I want someone to answer the phone at 2am, someone who can talk me through a panic attack even from 500 miles away. I want comfortable silence, where I don't feel like anything has been left unsaid. I want my best friend back. You once told me you could handle the good, the bad, and the ugly... I hope that's still true.

But a huge part of me worries. I worry that I can't always have everything I want. I worry that the time I need to heal my bruised heart will only create a bigger rift in this fragile ground we are currently standing on. I worry that we've crossed a line and maybe we don't get to come back from this... no matter what either of us wants. I'm absolutely terrified that I have to re-imagine my entire future because you aren't a part of it anymore.


2 thoughts:

  1. You know where I stand baby girl and I will always support you. Just give it a little more time to heal before you jump back into anything. I know this "cooling off" period is painful, but it will get better. Give yourself a little credit and a little more than five days. I do believe that you will still be friends, but you need this space and some time to untangle your heart from his.


to top