I was laying across my bed, trying not to think about what I'd just done, and I happened to glance to the side. The first thing I saw was your smiling face with my arms wrapped around your neck. Instead of feeling happy, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I look so happy in that picture. I can't remember why now... that's actually a lie, I know exactly why. But it seems like something that simple wouldn't make me smile today. Not after everything.

Let me be perfectly clear. I don't hate you. I don't think I'm capable of that. I still love you. And that is where so much of this pain stems from. I still love you and my heart doesn't understand what my brain is trying to tell it... he's not yours. You can't have him. My heart is a fighter, always has been and I hope it always will be. Because despite this pain, I don't want to give up loving people. I don't want to hate the people in my past.

In my past... that line scares me. A part of me has already accepted that this is where you are headed; you'll soon be a thing of my past and not my present and certainly not my future. That's incredibly hard for me to comprehend. For a while there, you were the only future I could see. I guess it's true what they say about love blinding you. I can't envision my future without you... that's gonna take me a while.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing these words hoping that they'll magically change your mind. I'm writing them to help me heal. I'm writing them to allow myself to mourn. I'm coming to terms with the fact that you are allowed to mourn your "not relationships," whatever those may be.

I just wish you had never given me hope. I wish you never told anyone how you felt. I wish I didn't listen to everyone. I don't wanna blame anyone... because it really isn't anyone's fault. But I was fine with just being your friend until everyone started mentioning feelings -- and I swear they're contagious. It took me two months of listening to everyone ask what you and I were before I was like "okay, what are we?" That's when shit in the fan. I wish there were never "I love yous." I thought I knew where you stood. I was wrong. Those feelings didn't exist anymore. It's hard for me to get over something that wasn't there to begin with... but I'm certainly trying.

For the record, I'm still not proud of how I handled everything... ask anyone who knows. I've doubted this decision since before I even made it. I don't want you to not be in my life... but I don't know where we go from here.

I told you we needed to talk. We never did. And I don't know if you avoided that conversation because you knew what was coming or because you feared the unknown. Either way, I wanted to talk to you because didn't want to just say my piece and then walk away. But I was at a loss for how else to handle it at this point.

There are still going to be nights where I cry myself to sleep over this. And for a while, it's going to be extra hard. I used to text you to make me smile... I don't get to do that anymore. Each day is going to be a battle, but I have to fight for myself.

I'm writing these words because even though I asked you to let go, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go myself. It's something I'm still working on. But trust me when I say that I put your picture away. I can't look at it anymore. And that breaks my heart.