A Free Spirit from Jersey

This teacher is checking into the blogging community for the first time in 2017... and I'm in need of some serious Sunday Night motivation. I have been listening to some of my teacher friends and my heart is aching for them - but more on that tomorrow.

It's not a recent photograph but someone said post a picture that will convince me you are happy.
It's not a recent photograph but this girl, the one captured in this image, she's happy. She's got a twinkle in her eye and a secret in her heart. And she thought she had it all figured out.
It's not a recent photograph but I can assure you that girl is happy.

A few months ago, I swore I'd gotten it right. I would have told anyone that at 24, I figured out the secret to happiness. A few months ago, I truly believed that. But lately, I'd tell you I'm scared for that girl in the photograph. I'm scared because she was so happy. And up until a few days ago, I'd have told you I lost that girl. I was so scared that she'd be gone forever.

That girl, she believed in fairy tales and love stories like those in the movies. She believed in good people and good intentions. She had high expectations for the world and she demanded they be met. She had a pure heart, one that she wore on her sleeve.

But that girl, she learned the hard way that life is full of unexpected turns. That even after months of thinking she'd gotten it right, everything was all wrong. And that girl, she lost her faith in love. She started to believe the world to be the dark place she was warned about so many times. She gave up on people, and on herself. She took her heart from her sleeve and locked it away behind stone walls instead.

It's not a recent photograph because a recent one wouldn't convince you that I'm happy.
It's not a recent photograph because that girl, she went away. She traded that twinkle in her eyes for tears on her pillowcase. And that secret in her heart only caused pain and confusion.
It's not a recent photograph because I can't say my eyes have shown happiness in the last few months.

A few days ago, I knew I had to let go of the anger in order to heal from the pain. I'd tell anyone that at 24, you won't have life figured out and there is not secret to happiness. A few days ago, I chose to forgive - I chose to forgive myself and to forgive someone very important to me. Because regardless of apologies, forgiveness is the only way to find peace. Up until a few days ago, I was terrified I'd never find that girl again, the one in the photograph. I was terrified that she was never coming back. But today, I know that she'll come back.

It will take time. But this girl believes in fairy tales and love stories like those in the movies. I believe in good people and good intentions. I have high expectations for the world and I demand they be met. I have a pure heart, that I will one day wear on my sleeve again.

Life is full of curve balls and unpredictable events, but that's how it works. And that's part of the beauty. No matter how many times we think we got it right, something is going to shake us up a bit. But you can't lose faith - not in love, or people, or life in general. The world is a beautiful place and it's only has harsh as you allow it to be. You can't give up, especially on yourself. You can't hide your heart from the world.

It's not a recent photograph because I had a story to tell, one that reminds us it gets better.
It's not a recent photograph but I'm going to be alright. I may still cry, because pain doesn't go away over night. But my heart, it's full of love.
It's not a recent photograph but I can assure you, I'll find happiness again.

I know I've got some people in my life who aren't going to understand this one. I can hear them already... mostly because they have already voiced their opinions pretty clearly. But that doesn't matter to me. I love you.

I don't know how to say all of this without sounding dramatic... so bear with me.
I know it's only been a few days but not talking to you is quite literally killing me. I can't eat. I don't sleep more than two hours at a time. The pins and needles are back and quite constant in my shoulder. And getting out of bed is something I have to fight for each morning.

The hardest part of all of this is that I'm constantly sad. I just want to text you to make me feel better. You always made me feel better. And now I can't.

It's been 106 hours since I left you with my heart on three sheets of paper. And sure, we've talked since then. It's so superficial though. In two years, I don't think I ever had a superficial conversation with you like these are. My heartaches constantly. I cry anytime I'm alone; and sometimes when I'm not. People are trying to be supportive but no matter which stance they take, I get upset with them. No one knows how this feels.

I know this was my choice and you are trying to do what I asked, but that doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what I wanted but this doesn't feel right.

I've never questioned myself so much.

I swore this was the right decision before I made it. Now I can't help but feel like I had no idea what I was getting into. Being upset on my own was one thing, at least I still had you in my life. Because even though you were the source of my breaking heart, you made me feel better. You've always been able to make me feel better. But now, now I've done more damage. Now I'm not only hurting, but you are too. And I hate that. Seeing you upset, pains me more than being upset myself.

These past five days have taught me a lot about myself and about the people in my life. Maybe not the things that everyone else thinks it should have learned though. If I ever doubted it before, the past five days have taught me how important you truly are to me. And I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I know that one day, I'll get there. I need you. I can't explain that to anyone else. I'm so tired of hearing that I shouldn't need anyone. That I should be strong enough to do this. That I give you too much control of my life. I don't see it that way. And I do need people. I don't know what's so wrong with that.

I need you. But more than that, I want you. I want you in my life. Forever.
I can't live like this. I wasn't made for being in someone's life so fully, just to tear myself out of it over night.

I don't know what capacity I get to have you. I don't know what roles we will play in each other's lives from this point forward. But I know that I can't continue feeling like half of myself is missing.


I know that I want an "us." I don't know what that means or what that looks like anymore. But I can't accept that the fact that "us" doesn't exist anymore. My heart can't handle that. I know that I want to be a part of your future. I want road trips and beach adventures. I want sad pizzas and movie nights. I want inside jokes and 56 snapchats in one day. I want hugs and promises of better things on bad days. I want someone to answer the phone at 2am, someone who can talk me through a panic attack even from 500 miles away. I want comfortable silence, where I don't feel like anything has been left unsaid. I want my best friend back. You once told me you could handle the good, the bad, and the ugly... I hope that's still true.

But a huge part of me worries. I worry that I can't always have everything I want. I worry that the time I need to heal my bruised heart will only create a bigger rift in this fragile ground we are currently standing on. I worry that we've crossed a line and maybe we don't get to come back from this... no matter what either of us wants. I'm absolutely terrified that I have to re-imagine my entire future because you aren't a part of it anymore.

I was laying across my bed, trying not to think about what I'd just done, and I happened to glance to the side. The first thing I saw was your smiling face with my arms wrapped around your neck. Instead of feeling happy, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I look so happy in that picture. I can't remember why now... that's actually a lie, I know exactly why. But it seems like something that simple wouldn't make me smile today. Not after everything.

Let me be perfectly clear. I don't hate you. I don't think I'm capable of that. I still love you. And that is where so much of this pain stems from. I still love you and my heart doesn't understand what my brain is trying to tell it... he's not yours. You can't have him. My heart is a fighter, always has been and I hope it always will be. Because despite this pain, I don't want to give up loving people. I don't want to hate the people in my past.

In my past... that line scares me. A part of me has already accepted that this is where you are headed; you'll soon be a thing of my past and not my present and certainly not my future. That's incredibly hard for me to comprehend. For a while there, you were the only future I could see. I guess it's true what they say about love blinding you. I can't envision my future without you... that's gonna take me a while.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing these words hoping that they'll magically change your mind. I'm writing them to help me heal. I'm writing them to allow myself to mourn. I'm coming to terms with the fact that you are allowed to mourn your "not relationships," whatever those may be.

I just wish you had never given me hope. I wish you never told anyone how you felt. I wish I didn't listen to everyone. I don't wanna blame anyone... because it really isn't anyone's fault. But I was fine with just being your friend until everyone started mentioning feelings -- and I swear they're contagious. It took me two months of listening to everyone ask what you and I were before I was like "okay, what are we?" That's when shit in the fan. I wish there were never "I love yous." I thought I knew where you stood. I was wrong. Those feelings didn't exist anymore. It's hard for me to get over something that wasn't there to begin with... but I'm certainly trying.

For the record, I'm still not proud of how I handled everything... ask anyone who knows. I've doubted this decision since before I even made it. I don't want you to not be in my life... but I don't know where we go from here.

I told you we needed to talk. We never did. And I don't know if you avoided that conversation because you knew what was coming or because you feared the unknown. Either way, I wanted to talk to you because didn't want to just say my piece and then walk away. But I was at a loss for how else to handle it at this point.

There are still going to be nights where I cry myself to sleep over this. And for a while, it's going to be extra hard. I used to text you to make me smile... I don't get to do that anymore. Each day is going to be a battle, but I have to fight for myself.

I'm writing these words because even though I asked you to let go, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go myself. It's something I'm still working on. But trust me when I say that I put your picture away. I can't look at it anymore. And that breaks my heart.