Doubts & Insecurities

Sometimes I wonder if I'm enough.

I love learning. I love being able to sit down and really dive into something new. I love hands-on experiences. But more than that, I love the spontaneity. Sometimes you don't realize you are learning something until you are already in the midst of it. My dream is to foster that love of learning, that desire to question and to search for something more. But dreams can be lofty.

My job requires WAY more than a typical 9-5. Sometimes I am envious of my friends and family who have these jobs that they show up to at 8 o'clock in the morning and when they leave at 4:30 in the afternoon, they leave. It's simple. They walk out the door, turning off their work phones and ignoring emails that can wait until tomorrow. Their bags aren't full of center work, homework, and assessments that need to be checked. But then I remember that their bags also aren't full of coloring pages and homemade cards from 6 and 7-year-olds.

I'm not trying to downplay the importance of other jobs, please don't take it that way. I just want people to realize that being a teaching is so much more than showing up in the morning with a smile on your face. It is hours upon hours of planning engaging lessons that met the current standards. It is about researching the most effective ways to reach each and every students in your class -- being sure to include something for each individual learning style. It is drying tears and providing more than band-aids and hugs. It is being a counselor, a nurse, a mediator, a custodian, a handyman, a mentor, a punching bag, a coach, a secretary, a disciplinarian, a cheerleader, a behavioral specialist, a technology expert, a role model, and so, so many other things. This job demands a lot. All while I am supposed to teach children to read for the first time, write in complete sentences, add and subtract without their fingers, etc etc etc. It's exhausting.

So yes, sometimes I wonder if I'm enough.

There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to be a teacher. I knew from a very young age that this is what I wanted to do. And aside from a brief period of time where I thought it might be fun to be an interior designer, I never wanted to do anything else. Yet here I am, once again questioning if I have had the right choice.

I love my children and I want nothing more than for them to succeed. But sometimes to doesn't matter how much we want something. If we can't make it happen, then we have to move on. My heart is heavy and so sad when I think out all of this.

I show up to work everyday and give 110% of myself to ensure that I am giving these children the best education I can. But what if I'm not enough? What if someone else can do a better job? Don't these children deserve to have the best of the best, and not just the best of me?

It's getting close to our middle of the year assessments and as usual my stress levels have hit an all time high. I'm running on adrenaline most days and crashing as soon as my head hits the pillow. But tonight, tonight I couldn't quiet all the thoughts in my head. So here I am pouring my doubts and insecurities out to a computer screen.

Here's to hoping you are having a happier time of year!


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