I miss you

Hey Buddy,

I hope you are enjoying your time away. I know that I'm not supposed to ask about it, so I won't. I know that it's not a vacation. But it's easier for me to pretend you are gone for a little while, having the time of your life. I know that I'm supposed to be strong enough to do this without you. But I'm not. And that has been so hard for to admit. But I need you.

You told me to write you letters on the hard days; said I could keep them in a box and give them to you when you got home. But I can't wait anymore. I need you to see these words now. I need to know that I can still reach out to you even when you're a 10,360 miles away (I looked it up).

I need you here to tell me when I do something stupid. You were never afraid to hurt my feelings. And I miss that. I miss hearing you sigh and then go into some rant about how you told a million times not to leave the AC on when I turn the car off or not to talk to guys just because they told me I was pretty. But I like when the AC comes on right when I get in the car, that hot air in my face. I know you don't get it, but let me have that one. And I like boys who compliment me... Is that all that hard to believe? But mostly, I just like listening to you rant about how I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I need you here to fight with me. Because fighting with me and telling me when I'm wrong is something I need. I made a mistake a few weeks ago. A pretty big one. And somehow no one is judging me for it. And I should just be happy and roll with it. But I know that what I did was wrong. I need someone to tell me that. I'm sitting here pointing out my own mistakes to other people because no one will point them out to me. I miss your honesty.

I need you here to fight for me. It's getting really easy to push people away, to make those 5 second friends you warned me about. I'm really good at letting people in for a few days, especially when I'm lonely, but then I shut them out. I push and they don't fight to get back in. And I know that's all a part of being a grown up. This isn't a playground where everyone else wants to be my friend. And that's okay. But it'd be nice if someone would fight for me, fight to stay. I need someone to want to stay, to want to be my friend. I swear I'm trying.

It's hard today. You promised that you wouldn't leave during the hard time. But you had no choice. I'm trying to be okay with that. I'm trying to stand on my own two feet. I'm learning that there are things I can do without you; things I don't need your constant reassurance to do. I'm also learning that I don't really like to do them on my own.

I'm doing a really good job of getting my heart all confused. I have a few friends who are trying to help. They want to support my decisions and they don't want to see me get hurt. I'm trying to think like you would. I'm trying to force myself to get uncomfortable and tell people how I feel. But it's hard as hell. Because you always seemed to know whether it was gonna work out or not, and you lead me to the right choices based on that. Now I don't know the outcome, and I'm terrified to make the wrong move.

I just miss you and 3am waffle dates... hurry up and come home! 10,360 miles is too far.


2 thoughts:

  1. He'll be home soon. You really are doing great on your own. Give yourself credit. We all love you!

    1. I'm trying to keep it together. I love you too!


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