All it took was burnt pancakes and coffee that was much too sweet. I couldn't get you out of my head. I wrote you three letters that day, but I didn't send a single one of them. The main idea of each one was that I miss you. And I do.

And it really is as simple as that. I miss you. I miss the way you would smile at me when you drove, despite me yelling for you to actually watch the road. I miss the way you would call me at 2am just to hear my sleepy voice. The nights that I wake up around 2am and don’t have a missed call are the hardest. I miss grocery shopping at the weirdest times just to avoid a crowd. I miss knowing that you wanted me to be around.

But it is also complicated—because when is life not. I don’t miss all of you. I don’t miss the fighting. I don’t miss how hard I would have to try just to make you happy on a bad day. It wouldn’t have been so bad but towards the end, you had more bad days than the good ones and I was tired. I was tired of fighting and the days of silence. I was tired of not knowing which side of you was coming to see me. I was just tired.

Now the silence is killing me. I knew you didn’t support this decision of mine. And I knew that it would be the end. But I didn’t know that you would never call. I didn’t know that not hearing your voice would be this hard.

You should know that I want you to be happy. I don’t care who else, if anyone, you make happy. Because for you it never was about making someone else happy. Maybe that was our biggest problem. You care about you. And now I see that it was more of a survival technique and I apologize for the times I was angry. But I needed someone to care about my happiness, like I cared about yours.

And now I just hope you are happy. I hope you got that job. I hope you fixed your truck. And I hope that you smile often.

People said I was crazy for ever talking to you in the first place. And towards the end of it all, I thought maybe I was too. Our friendship is/was the most trying thing for me at the time. Now I have 21 little kids who try my patience in a way you never could. But that’s not the point. I look back now and I remember the good times. I remember the ways your eyes crinkled when you laughed. I remember holding hands and pretending it was our anniversary so we could get a free dessert. I remember dancing in the middle of the street, barefoot of course. I remember singing to the radio even when you told me you had a headache. Because even when we were fighting, I knew you loved me. And now I miss that.

I miss you

This is the closest I'll ever get to sending any of those letters. But I'll keep them tucked away in a safe place. I may not be a girl from a novel but I'm still a girl with a heart and you will always have a piece of it.


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