If You Can't Love Me Like I Love You, Let Me Go

I wish I could sit here and say I hate you. But I can't. The truth is that I will never hate you. I will always love you.

But boy did you do some damage...

When I met you, I was infatuated. That was easy for anyone to see. I was more broken than I cared to admit, and I apparently hid it pretty well. You seemingly had it altogether. And you wanted to be my friend. I basked in that.

For a few years, it was everything I needed. We got really close, really quick. And I needed that. I needed someone like you in my life. Most days, I'd say I still do. But I'm learning to make it without you. Because there has been a change in the tides of our relationship. And it has been anything but easy for me.

Where I was once a priority, I have become an option... and not always a first option. That doesn't sit well with me. I know that I can't come first in everyone's life. I'm not stupid and I don't like to think I'm selfish.

But hear me out: you gave me your undivided attention for so long that I came to expect it. Then one thing led to another, and I was left confused and crying. I'm left without you calling me or asking if I want to go out. I'm left wondering what I did wrong.

I'm starting to accept that I didn't do anything. I'm learning that sometimes circumstances change and people show who they truly are. And it sucks. I don't have another way to put it. It hurts. And it tears me apart because I want to know how to fix it. Within the past week, I've come to terms with the fact that I can't change it. I can't make you love me.

Love isn't one of those things we can plan for. It isn't something that can be plotted out on a calendar... oh how I wish it could. We all know that I love plans and lists and organization. But love doesn't work that way. And maybe that is one of the reasons I am terrified of love.

I didn't decide to fall in love with you. I didn't know that's what I was supposed to expect. You can't control love. It's a stubborn thing and it cannot be controlled. And just like I can't control the fact that I fell in love with you, I can't control that you don't return those feelings.

That hurts. And while I can't make you love me, I won't ever stop loving you. That's not how my heart works. I want you to be happy. And if being with someone else makes you happy, then go for it. Be with that person. Please give them the love I wanted you to give me.

I want you to be happy. I really do. But somehow that has translated into my own undoing. And it’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. You don’t get to choose these things in life. I didn’t choose to fall in love with you, but my heart sure as hell did it anyway. And I don’t regret that. I really don’t. Please don’t think I do. But I can’t sit here and watch you fall in love with someone else. It is eating me apart. My heart hurts… and I’m tired.

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of defending you and your actions to everyone I know. Because apparently everyone else knew this was going to come crashing down around me and I chose not to listen. I've tried to protect your image for so long. I figured they just didn’t understand but that’s not it. They knew I was headed into turmoil and they tried to stop it. I have no one to blame but myself.

My heart is breaking every day because you are with someone else right in front of me. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t break my own heart watching you fall in love.

Be in love. Be happy. Make mistakes and remember to apologize for them. Fight for what you want. Tell people how you feel. I mean it. Don’t ever change who you are for someone else.

But in all of this I have a favor to ask, one you aren't going to like but I need you to seriously consider. Please stop telling me you love me. Please stop holding my hand when we're together. Please stop fixing my mistakes before I even realize them. Please stop looking at me with that smirk and raised eyebrow. Please stop. Just stop it all. Let me go. I promise that I will be okay, but right now I need to fall down and pick myself up -- to remember how to do it on my own.

I will always love you. And I will try to support you. But it has to be from a distance right now. I can’t be up close and personal. It makes me feel like you’re throwing your relationship in my face to make a point. And if you are, well I can promise: I got the message loud and clear.

I've cried myself to sleep every night for a month. And I’m not looking for pity. I’m just trying to make you understand why I need space, why I can’t do this anymore.

If you can't love me like you once said you did, please let me go.

CONVERSATION

4 thoughts:

  1. You deserve so much better. And any boy who can't see that, isn't worth your time. I love you! Call me if you need to talk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks love. I'll text you in the morning. I'm too tired to talk about it tonight.

      Delete
  2. When you told me that you finally sat down to write this one, I didn't realize how raw it would be. I'm so proud of you for getting it out and for finally letting go yourself. It's still going to be a struggle, but I promise this uphill battle will leave you with something better. I'll love you for a thousand universes even though I'm sitting in the office crying... xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry I made you cry... I'll love you for a thousand light years 😘

      Delete

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