Explaining my Leave of Absence

It's been a while since I've visited the blogging world... and I've got quite a bit to say. Bear with me (or don't...) while I try to explain myself.

I love blogging and I love writing. I keep a journal with me at all times and I have three different notebooks that I pull out of my bed or bookshelf on a regular basis. I am always scribbling something down. It helps me keep my thoughts straight. It helps me remember things that I want for later. I write quotes, song lyrics, titles of Thought Catalog articles I want to read later. I write original ideas and story titles. I write my thoughts, my heartaches, my dreams. I write letters that I will never send. Most of these ideas and random scribbles have been staying safely in my collection of notebooks -- not ready to be shared with the world.

But that isn't quite it. Those words, for the most part, belong to my heart and speak the language of my soul. Those words define who I am and what I am feeling. Those words are a part of my story. And it isn't that I'm afraid to share them. Because I learned a long time ago that if I have something to say, I mind as well say it. You are always going to offend someone... you just can't always make everyone happy.
So why haven't I been sharing these words? Well, a few reasons really. First, it all became too much all at once. I felt like blogging was a job. I felt like I needed to post something to stay relevant. And that was never the point to me. I always wanted to write. But as soon as it became a chore, I stopped writing altogether. And I can tell you now, that isn't good for my mental health. I write as an outlet and as a way to work through tough situations. By becoming overwhelmed even by writing, I felt lost. I felt like I didn't have a purpose and I didn't know how to explain that to anyone. I'm realizing now that it isn't necessarily about anyone else. It's about me. If I need to write, I should write. If I don't have anything to share on a particular day or particular subject, then I don't have to write.

Another reason I gave up blogging for a little while was because of some comments I had received. I know that these people had my best interest in mind, but I didn't take it that way at the time. When I write (including on the blog), I write about very personal things. I write about my feelings and how situations personally affect me. I was asked if my blog posts were portraying the person I wanted to be seen as... so for a while I questioned it. My life isn't perfect. I will never pretend that it is. When I feel something, I feel it deeply. And those feelings come out in my writing. I realize that I don't always blog about happy things, but the truth is life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

Finally, I stopped blogging because I needed to find myself again. I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted from this blog -- and from life. I am still working on the life thing, but I know that I want my blog to accurately portray me. So expect to hear about the struggles and the days when nothing is going right. But I will also try to remember to share the good things, the moments worth celebrating! Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that when everything is going right, writing sits on the back burner. But I want to have a collection of the highs and the lows. I want to be able to look back at these posts in years to come and remember that even though life is brutal, it can also be pretty amazing.

Spoiler alert: I already wrote the post that's going up tomorrow, it's full of raw emotion about some things that have been on my heart the last few weeks. Don't read that one if you're looking for the happier moments in my life. Give me a few days, I'm sure I can find something in this life of mine worth spreading a smile on my face and hopefully yours.

To my loyal readers who have sent some emails in the past few months, thank you for sticking by me and supporting my return to blogging. Your kind words and friendships have been so beneficial to me over the past few months!

CONVERSATION

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