Living This Life

Some days it is really hard. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my comfort.

But what is comfort? And what is living? And how do we find a balance that allows us to truly live and push the limits while still being comfortable? Can we even do that?

I spend some days really missing my friends. And yes, I have made friends in North Carolina. But the bond is different. I lived with my friends from college. We saw each other through thick and thin. We dealt with loss, and death, and new relationships, and hopefulness, and college level stress. We dealt with a fire. We vacationed together. We were each others' family for a few years and nothing can take that away.

There are days when I want to lay on my mom's couch and watch movies and sort of give up on life. I guess it is a good thing that she is a few hundred miles away. I miss her more than words can explain. But I know that I am making the right choices for me.

Lately I feel like I am drowning. It is a hard thing to explain; or maybe it is just a hard thing to talk about. Feelings are raw and sometimes just easier to ignore. But I have never been one who's very good at ignoring my emotions and feelings. I tend to feel everything very deeply--all my feelings are very real to me. And it can make it some what of a mess at times.

I've been questioning my life and what I really want to do with it. I love my job. I love my kids. And knowing that I make a difference in their lives is honestly one of the only reasons that I go back everyday. But is that enough? And if it, why do I feel like I need more?

I've had some time to think about it. And I've decided that it may be selfish, but sometimes we deserve to be selfish. Sometimes we deserve to think of ourselves first. Sometimes we deserve to get what we want.

I guess drowning isn't the right analogy. I feel stuck. Stuck in this routine that does nothing for me. So I've decided to make a change, to take a chance.

I will be running a 10k in June in Asheville, NC. I will be traveling to Colorado in June. And while these are adventurous and definitely changes for me, they aren't immediate. So I've decided on some other "new challenges."

In February, I will cook dinner every night. And I will try to blog about some of the things that I am making--however I tend to forget to take pictures until my food in half gone. I will also be running regularly and getting back into a workout routine. I will be visiting a trail by my house once a week, most likely on the weekends. I will be tutoring third grade students after school to help improve their reading levels. And finally, I will be calling both of my grandmothers once a week.

Here's to February and breaking this routine that is making me feel stuck. Here is to getting what I want from life. And since I'm still figuring that out, here's to working through some things until I know what I want from life :)

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