A Free Spirit from Jersey

I get up most mornings at 5am to practice yoga. However, yoga wasn't always about peace and understanding for me.

When I began my yoga practice - about 4 years ago - I never imagined it would bring me to this place in my life. Yoga was originally about flexibility and being able to do handstands. I was all about the look of yoga and couldn't understand the spiritual side that so many people said they found with yoga.

About a year ago, I found myself needing an outlet for additional stress in my life. Yoga came back into my life in a big way. I had practiced on my own for a while, but I began to seek professional support in my practice. This was about the time I really started to understand how important yoga could be towards my healing.

I have dealt with anxiety and depression for a number of years. Different seasons of my life have been scattered with different variations of these illnesses. It was not until very recently that I found comfort in writing and talking about my illnesses.

A few months ago, I was in the midst of a really dark period of life. My doctor had become concerned with our current treatment plan. I had lowered my anxiety pill dosage and was no longer seeking help from my therapist. I thought I was doing the right thing, but my life was slowly crumbling around me. I didn't know how to regain control.
My doctor wanted to put me back on stronger pills. The specific pills that he was suggesting have made me feel lost and spacey in the past. I knew I wanted to try something else first - even if it was out of desperation.

I began to meditate and force myself to let go of constant control. I still struggle with the control thing, as well as many other underlying issues. But I work on it daily. I also began the practice of waking up at 5am and getting on my yoga mat.

My best friend made the official call, as he had for so long. Going back to therapy was no longer an option - it was a requirement.

I will be the first person to admit that every person is different. Different treatment options work for different people. However, I give so much credit to yoga for saving my life. Yoga, therapy, good friends, and those little white pills that I tried to ignore for so long.

My life is far from perfect, and it probably always will be. Depression is ugly and it requires so many avenues of hope in order to be managed. But if you find something that works, stick with it. This life is worth living and you are worth so much more than the negative thoughts.

It's not a recent photograph but someone said post a picture that will convince me you are happy.
It's not a recent photograph but this girl, the one captured in this image, she's happy. She's got a twinkle in her eye and a secret in her heart. And she thought she had it all figured out.
It's not a recent photograph but I can assure you that girl is happy.

A few months ago, I swore I'd gotten it right. I would have told anyone that at 24, I figured out the secret to happiness. A few months ago, I truly believed that. But lately, I'd tell you I'm scared for that girl in the photograph. I'm scared because she was so happy. And up until a few days ago, I'd have told you I lost that girl. I was so scared that she'd be gone forever.

That girl, she believed in fairy tales and love stories like those in the movies. She believed in good people and good intentions. She had high expectations for the world and she demanded they be met. She had a pure heart, one that she wore on her sleeve.

But that girl, she learned the hard way that life is full of unexpected turns. That even after months of thinking she'd gotten it right, everything was all wrong. And that girl, she lost her faith in love. She started to believe the world to be the dark place she was warned about so many times. She gave up on people, and on herself. She took her heart from her sleeve and locked it away behind stone walls instead.

It's not a recent photograph because a recent one wouldn't convince you that I'm happy.
It's not a recent photograph because that girl, she went away. She traded that twinkle in her eyes for tears on her pillowcase. And that secret in her heart only caused pain and confusion.
It's not a recent photograph because I can't say my eyes have shown happiness in the last few months.

A few days ago, I knew I had to let go of the anger in order to heal from the pain. I'd tell anyone that at 24, you won't have life figured out and there is not secret to happiness. A few days ago, I chose to forgive - I chose to forgive myself and to forgive someone very important to me. Because regardless of apologies, forgiveness is the only way to find peace. Up until a few days ago, I was terrified I'd never find that girl again, the one in the photograph. I was terrified that she was never coming back. But today, I know that she'll come back.

It will take time. But this girl believes in fairy tales and love stories like those in the movies. I believe in good people and good intentions. I have high expectations for the world and I demand they be met. I have a pure heart, that I will one day wear on my sleeve again.

Life is full of curve balls and unpredictable events, but that's how it works. And that's part of the beauty. No matter how many times we think we got it right, something is going to shake us up a bit. But you can't lose faith - not in love, or people, or life in general. The world is a beautiful place and it's only has harsh as you allow it to be. You can't give up, especially on yourself. You can't hide your heart from the world.

It's not a recent photograph because I had a story to tell, one that reminds us it gets better.
It's not a recent photograph but I'm going to be alright. I may still cry, because pain doesn't go away over night. But my heart, it's full of love.
It's not a recent photograph but I can assure you, I'll find happiness again.

I know I've got some people in my life who aren't going to understand this one. I can hear them already... mostly because they have already voiced their opinions pretty clearly. But that doesn't matter to me. I love you.

I don't know how to say all of this without sounding dramatic... so bear with me.
I know it's only been a few days but not talking to you is quite literally killing me. I can't eat. I don't sleep more than two hours at a time. The pins and needles are back and quite constant in my shoulder. And getting out of bed is something I have to fight for each morning.

The hardest part of all of this is that I'm constantly sad. I just want to text you to make me feel better. You always made me feel better. And now I can't.

It's been 106 hours since I left you with my heart on three sheets of paper. And sure, we've talked since then. It's so superficial though. In two years, I don't think I ever had a superficial conversation with you like these are. My heartaches constantly. I cry anytime I'm alone; and sometimes when I'm not. People are trying to be supportive but no matter which stance they take, I get upset with them. No one knows how this feels.

I know this was my choice and you are trying to do what I asked, but that doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what I wanted but this doesn't feel right.

I've never questioned myself so much.

I swore this was the right decision before I made it. Now I can't help but feel like I had no idea what I was getting into. Being upset on my own was one thing, at least I still had you in my life. Because even though you were the source of my breaking heart, you made me feel better. You've always been able to make me feel better. But now, now I've done more damage. Now I'm not only hurting, but you are too. And I hate that. Seeing you upset, pains me more than being upset myself.

These past five days have taught me a lot about myself and about the people in my life. Maybe not the things that everyone else thinks it should have learned though. If I ever doubted it before, the past five days have taught me how important you truly are to me. And I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I know that one day, I'll get there. I need you. I can't explain that to anyone else. I'm so tired of hearing that I shouldn't need anyone. That I should be strong enough to do this. That I give you too much control of my life. I don't see it that way. And I do need people. I don't know what's so wrong with that.

I need you. But more than that, I want you. I want you in my life. Forever.
I can't live like this. I wasn't made for being in someone's life so fully, just to tear myself out of it over night.

I don't know what capacity I get to have you. I don't know what roles we will play in each other's lives from this point forward. But I know that I can't continue feeling like half of myself is missing.


I know that I want an "us." I don't know what that means or what that looks like anymore. But I can't accept that the fact that "us" doesn't exist anymore. My heart can't handle that. I know that I want to be a part of your future. I want road trips and beach adventures. I want sad pizzas and movie nights. I want inside jokes and 56 snapchats in one day. I want hugs and promises of better things on bad days. I want someone to answer the phone at 2am, someone who can talk me through a panic attack even from 500 miles away. I want comfortable silence, where I don't feel like anything has been left unsaid. I want my best friend back. You once told me you could handle the good, the bad, and the ugly... I hope that's still true.

But a huge part of me worries. I worry that I can't always have everything I want. I worry that the time I need to heal my bruised heart will only create a bigger rift in this fragile ground we are currently standing on. I worry that we've crossed a line and maybe we don't get to come back from this... no matter what either of us wants. I'm absolutely terrified that I have to re-imagine my entire future because you aren't a part of it anymore.

I was laying across my bed, trying not to think about what I'd just done, and I happened to glance to the side. The first thing I saw was your smiling face with my arms wrapped around your neck. Instead of feeling happy, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I look so happy in that picture. I can't remember why now... that's actually a lie, I know exactly why. But it seems like something that simple wouldn't make me smile today. Not after everything.

Let me be perfectly clear. I don't hate you. I don't think I'm capable of that. I still love you. And that is where so much of this pain stems from. I still love you and my heart doesn't understand what my brain is trying to tell it... he's not yours. You can't have him. My heart is a fighter, always has been and I hope it always will be. Because despite this pain, I don't want to give up loving people. I don't want to hate the people in my past.

In my past... that line scares me. A part of me has already accepted that this is where you are headed; you'll soon be a thing of my past and not my present and certainly not my future. That's incredibly hard for me to comprehend. For a while there, you were the only future I could see. I guess it's true what they say about love blinding you. I can't envision my future without you... that's gonna take me a while.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing these words hoping that they'll magically change your mind. I'm writing them to help me heal. I'm writing them to allow myself to mourn. I'm coming to terms with the fact that you are allowed to mourn your "not relationships," whatever those may be.

I just wish you had never given me hope. I wish you never told anyone how you felt. I wish I didn't listen to everyone. I don't wanna blame anyone... because it really isn't anyone's fault. But I was fine with just being your friend until everyone started mentioning feelings -- and I swear they're contagious. It took me two months of listening to everyone ask what you and I were before I was like "okay, what are we?" That's when shit in the fan. I wish there were never "I love yous." I thought I knew where you stood. I was wrong. Those feelings didn't exist anymore. It's hard for me to get over something that wasn't there to begin with... but I'm certainly trying.

For the record, I'm still not proud of how I handled everything... ask anyone who knows. I've doubted this decision since before I even made it. I don't want you to not be in my life... but I don't know where we go from here.

I told you we needed to talk. We never did. And I don't know if you avoided that conversation because you knew what was coming or because you feared the unknown. Either way, I wanted to talk to you because didn't want to just say my piece and then walk away. But I was at a loss for how else to handle it at this point.

There are still going to be nights where I cry myself to sleep over this. And for a while, it's going to be extra hard. I used to text you to make me smile... I don't get to do that anymore. Each day is going to be a battle, but I have to fight for myself.

I'm writing these words because even though I asked you to let go, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go myself. It's something I'm still working on. But trust me when I say that I put your picture away. I can't look at it anymore. And that breaks my heart.

It's no secret that I have a slight obsession with Thought Catalog articles. I get drawn in by people who are writing about my feelings, because they are having these feelings too. It makes me feel less alone in a sense.

Anyway, last night I was reading some posts on Instagram and came across one from Nikita Gill on Thought Catalog. I cried while reading it. It was like she was speaking to me soul. It was exactly what I needed.

It's two-fold: I needed these words for myself because lately I've given someone permission to walk across my heart by not protecting it myself. But beyond that, I needed these words to reach a friend. Someone whom I love dearly, but who has maybe forgotten the people who were here first. I don't resent your relationship, please don't think that. I just want you to remember the people who were here before this relationship and who will ultimately be here after it ends...

Do not allow him to consume you, it is the consumption that will kill your soul, that will destroy your self respect, that will take from you when you are not looking. Sometimes love attacks you in ways you least expect it, and the person who said that love is not a destructive thing lied to you – love can be a terribly destructive thing, only if you let it. You are responsible for your own happiness always, and your emotional well being depends on how you react to a situation, how you respond to him when you find yourself in a relationship and it isn’t making you happy.

If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong even when you ask over and over again, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, never stop spending time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. Do not allow him to take your attention completely away from anything that was in your life before him, whether it is family, your friends and the things you love.

Keep your friendships. Your friends have been there for you through many many relationships and they will be through many more. Giving them up for a man, even the best of men is a bad idea. And a good man will never ever ask you to give your friends up for him.

Most importantly, do not allow anyone to emotionally manipulate you in any way, shape or form. Recognise the signs. Someone who loves you will make mistakes, but they will respect you. Someone who is using you will not respect you and will take every chance to drain your happiness for what they need from you.

If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him. If he tries to suggest he should always be the most important thing in your life, walk away from him.

I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.

(original post)

Remembering to put myself first and be my own person has been extremely difficult lately. I'm trying to stick to the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I've got to learn to put myself first; it's proving to be a difficult task for my stubborn heart and mind. But I keep pushing forward.

It's been a while since I've visited the blogging world... and I've got quite a bit to say. Bear with me (or don't...) while I try to explain myself.

I love blogging and I love writing. I keep a journal with me at all times and I have three different notebooks that I pull out of my bed or bookshelf on a regular basis. I am always scribbling something down. It helps me keep my thoughts straight. It helps me remember things that I want for later. I write quotes, song lyrics, titles of Thought Catalog articles I want to read later. I write original ideas and story titles. I write my thoughts, my heartaches, my dreams. I write letters that I will never send. Most of these ideas and random scribbles have been staying safely in my collection of notebooks -- not ready to be shared with the world.

But that isn't quite it. Those words, for the most part, belong to my heart and speak the language of my soul. Those words define who I am and what I am feeling. Those words are a part of my story. And it isn't that I'm afraid to share them. Because I learned a long time ago that if I have something to say, I mind as well say it. You are always going to offend someone... you just can't always make everyone happy.
So why haven't I been sharing these words? Well, a few reasons really. First, it all became too much all at once. I felt like blogging was a job. I felt like I needed to post something to stay relevant. And that was never the point to me. I always wanted to write. But as soon as it became a chore, I stopped writing altogether. And I can tell you now, that isn't good for my mental health. I write as an outlet and as a way to work through tough situations. By becoming overwhelmed even by writing, I felt lost. I felt like I didn't have a purpose and I didn't know how to explain that to anyone. I'm realizing now that it isn't necessarily about anyone else. It's about me. If I need to write, I should write. If I don't have anything to share on a particular day or particular subject, then I don't have to write.

Another reason I gave up blogging for a little while was because of some comments I had received. I know that these people had my best interest in mind, but I didn't take it that way at the time. When I write (including on the blog), I write about very personal things. I write about my feelings and how situations personally affect me. I was asked if my blog posts were portraying the person I wanted to be seen as... so for a while I questioned it. My life isn't perfect. I will never pretend that it is. When I feel something, I feel it deeply. And those feelings come out in my writing. I realize that I don't always blog about happy things, but the truth is life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

Finally, I stopped blogging because I needed to find myself again. I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted from this blog -- and from life. I am still working on the life thing, but I know that I want my blog to accurately portray me. So expect to hear about the struggles and the days when nothing is going right. But I will also try to remember to share the good things, the moments worth celebrating! Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that when everything is going right, writing sits on the back burner. But I want to have a collection of the highs and the lows. I want to be able to look back at these posts in years to come and remember that even though life is brutal, it can also be pretty amazing.

Spoiler alert: I already wrote the post that's going up tomorrow, it's full of raw emotion about some things that have been on my heart the last few weeks. Don't read that one if you're looking for the happier moments in my life. Give me a few days, I'm sure I can find something in this life of mine worth spreading a smile on my face and hopefully yours.

To my loyal readers who have sent some emails in the past few months, thank you for sticking by me and supporting my return to blogging. Your kind words and friendships have been so beneficial to me over the past few months!

Yoga is not about self-improvement, it's about self-acceptance.

Lately I've become super into yoga, specifically hot yoga. But I obviously can't do hot yoga at my house unless I wanna pay a ridiculous heat bill, I don't. Pretty soon though in might just get hot enough here in North Carolina to do hot yoga outside 😂
Now I could have been a normal person and wrote an article entitled: "10 Things that Happen When You Get into Yoga." But I've read 16 articles like that in the last month and I felt like some of those things didn't apply to me. At first I was like oh maybe I'm doing it wrong... maybe I don't get yoga like you are supposed to. But now, I've realized that it's just a matter of opinion. So here I am sharing 5 things that happened when I got addicted to hot yoga.

Yes I am aware this is terrible posture for wheel pose, but I had 10 seconds to run across the room and get into it...

1. Obsession. I'll be the first to admit that I have become addicted. The practice of yoga has been said to be addictive and if you asked me three months ago, I'd have scoffed at you. But now, I'm super addicted and feel the constant need to go. And when I can't go, I practice in my living room.
I tell anyone who will listen about yoga class. Mostly my poor little first graders because they have no choice but to listen to me ramble. However, my rambling has led them to an understanding of the practice of yoga. And yes, we do practice everyday in class -- they love it! It's incredible how flexible children are... I'm certainly jealous of some of their natural abilities.

2. Sleep. Now I love me some sleep. That's no surprise to anyone. I am a professional napper after all. But, I struggle with insomnia from time to time. And insomnia mixed with anxiety is not a fun combination, although it is a pretty common one. However, I sleep hard after a good yoga day. I recommend it to anyone. If you need some nighttime yoga ideas, let me know!

3. Challenge. I continue to push myself further into my yoga practice. Sometimes it is just simply trying a new pose, sometimes it means holding a pose for a little longer than I could previously. I'm working my way up to inversions because why not? Cross your fingers that I don't break my neck!

4. Mindfulness. Mindfulness is one of the first things many people associate with yoga and meditation. But for me, it didn't come easy. I judge myself in all the unhealthy ways and find fault with everything I do. So instead, I have learned to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings without judging them. This is not an easy practice for me. But I am learning every day that I need to be more accepting of myself in the present, letting go of the past and the future.

5. Self-Acceptance. Going along with mindfulness, I have learned am learning self-acceptance. I am learning to love myself and trust myself. I am learning the amazing things that my body can do. Only through self-acceptance can I truly learn to be at peace with myself.

I woke up this morning in birthday beads and with half the contents of my closet on my bed. Happy Birthday weekend to me :)


Let me preface this by saying that I have become terrible at taking pictures when I am out with friends... I used to remember it occasionally. Not so much anymore. So this is gonna be mostly a collection of words with some snapchats and the occasional other photo thrown in. Maybe I'll make photography a goal for this 24th year of my life... but probably not.

Friday
I really do love my job. I brought party hats in for all of my kids and they were so excited. They had been asking about Friday all week; knowing full well that I LOVE a birthday party. Ask my wonderful college roomies who threw me a surprise party a few years ago -- love y'all the most! So we wore our party hats and did all the academic things for the day in the morning. In the afternoon, we finger painted for Earth Day and took silly pictures with our messy hands. I can't share those pictures for privacy reasons, but trust me they are so cute! Then we had a snack from a wonderful parent and they watched an Earth Day video so I could be a responsible teacher and grade their assessments from the morning. We had a recess dance party and popsicles to celebrate my birthday. The fifth graders came outside and sang happy birthday to me. It was precious, even though I really hate that song. When it was time to go home my babies said they had "the most fun day ever" and some confused littles said they loved celebrating Earth Day and couldn't wait for next year. To their teachers next year, I apologize in advance! They thought my birthday celebrations were for Earth Day... you've got some big shoes to fill ;)

Friday Night
Since Meagan wouldn't be around on Saturday to celebrate the day with me, we decided on dinner Friday night. Morgan, Meagan, and I went out to hibachi for dinner. And call me crazy but I was still on a happy high from my day at school. I had an abundance of energy, laughing hysterically at everything, dancing on the coffee table, and singing obnoxiously. We finished the night with ice cream and playing Mario Kart. I'd share pictures from this night, but most of them feature me embarrassing myself - just go ahead and picture that yourself.

Saturday
I am so thankful for friends who will change their plans to spend my day with me! Originally Cassie and Caileen both had other plans for this weekend, but they changed them to hang out with me. The plan was to go to the beach for the day, find somewhere to have dinner, then go dancing at night. But as things tend to go in my life, plans change. I woke up in the morning having a feeling that something wasn't gonna work out how I wanted it to... checked the weather for the beach and it was gonna be partly cloudy all day with spotty chances of showers. Not exactly the ideal beach weather and I couldn't convince myself that it would be worth the 2 hour drive.

Caileen, Cassie, and I at the Dogwood Festival

So we changed our plans to include the Dogwood Festival downtown and dinner out to Olive Garden. We walked around the festival (people watching as it will be), eating all the yummy treats (chocolate dipped ice cream and cheese cake and funnel cake), and shopping. It was the perfect afternoon. We made plans to meet up for dinner later, giving everyone time to go home in between.

As fate will have it, my body/mind decided that we couldn't get through the day without a panic attack. And so began the fun rounds of pushing back dinner and changing all my evening plans... I really could have stayed in my bed and been happy but I knew I'd regret that later. So I forced myself up, took an anxiety pill, got dressed, and moved forward with my day.

Saturday Night (Part 1)
After changing my outfit 6 times and sitting on my bathroom counter hating everything about my hair, I made my way out the door. Not without some supportive words from those truly dear to me though.
Life is a crazy adventure and knowing who really wants the best for you isn't always so plain to see. But I've got a few whom I am lucky enough to know will always be there to keep me treading water.
As I was driving to Olive Garden with shaking hands, I repeated that mantra that everything would be okay once I was with my friends. And once I got there, I could sense myself finally begin to relax. We had a good time laughing over bread sticks, salad (or soup if you're Shane), and pasta. It was a wonderful turn of events from the previous two hours for me. It's incredible the power your friends can have over your happiness and I will forever be grateful for people who can make me laugh.

Saturday Night (Part 2)
After dinner I ran home to take a benadryl for the ever present hives and convinced Morgan to come to Raeford with me to meet Adam for my birthday. I would say that I can be pretty convincing when I want to be, but it actually didn't take much. After I quickly painted my nails and changed out of my sweater, we headed out the door.

I love him the most

Now I'll spare you the details of my whole night but just know that it included snorting from laughing so much, dancing with my best friend, wearing a tiara and birthday beads at the bar, discussing "tinder on paper," countless snapchat videos of our nonsense, and to everyone's surprise including my own -- sex on the beach (the drink, you dirty minded people). Jury's still out on if I'll drink again but I had a really good night with some of my favorite people.

When I got home and plugged in my dead phone, there was a collection of text messages, snapchats, and voicemails. Apparently, you aren't supposed to let your phone die on your birthday... my bad.

Now I'm no stranger to the fact that life is a rollercoaster, full of the ups and downs. And birthdays aren't excluded from that rollercoaster. But even with those lows scattered in throughout the weekend, I had a really good birthday. And that's all thanks to the wonderful people who have taught me about true friendship and dealt with me while I am learning to love myself again.

I'm still waiting on that ice cream cake though ;)

Everyone said that it would get easier... that if I just gave it time, I'd feel better. I'm starting not to believe them. Every day is harder than the last. I miss you more than even thought was possible. I cry every single night, wishing for just one more snuggle session with you.

I'm pretty sure if I say your name again, Nick is gonna drive to find you and force you to come find me. He is tired of listening to me whine about how you left. He is over my obsession. And I think I am too. So this is my final vent, my final goodbye. I have a lot to say and I've been saying it to all the wrong people. This is my shout out to you, if you even realize this is about you.

I have to be honest and say that I didn't know if  I could post this one... I stared at it for 20 minutes after I finished writing. I read it over and over again, changing one word here and adding a comma there. I got all kinds of nervous and I was making myself sick.
I picked up the phone and dialed Nick's number. It scares me how easily I remember it even when we haven't spoken in a while. He picked up on the second ring and sounded as cheerful as ever... not a good sign for where I was about to take the conversation. I explained what I had written and why I had written it -- not that he needed my why. Our conversation went something like this:

N: You wrote it all down. Did you forget anything?

Me: No... I just don't know if it's the right time to share it.

N: It was the right time when you sat down to write it. You said what you needed to. And now the world needs to read it. You need to let your voice be heard, you've got something to say.

M: How can you be so sure?

N: Baby girl, you've had these words pent up for a while. I know you have. Let them be free. You staring at it doesn't do it any good. Click publish, share it out with the world, and let it go.

What you need to understand, Nick is always right. It's frustrating beyond belief because occasionally, I'd like to be right. I'm obviously still hesitating to publish since I'm sitting here writing a prequel to this post. But it needs to be said.


Facebook is great at bringing back the past, those lovely updates reminding of what you were doing on this exact day three... five... seven years ago. Well today was no different, except it was. Today I was reminded of how cruel "friends" can be.
A post from 7 years ago... gosh who needs to bring up things from 7 years ago. One of my best friends at the time wrote on my wall saying that "you must not be that depressed if you didn't want to talk about it." Well alright then, that's just put that right out there.
Today (no flashback necessary), I was speaking to a friend and they asked me (in slightly different words) how you can have a good life and still be depressed? What did so-and-so have to be depressed about? I wanted to scream, but I didn't. Instead I kept my calm and let this person get out what they felt needed to be said. And then I let them walk away. I regret that now, because I've got something to say.

Depression is ugly.

I remember the first time someone handed me that label... I walked out of the office, looking up at the sky thinking there is no way that I am depressed. I don't get to be depressed. I have so much to look forward to in life. I have so much more than people who are happy. I thought smugly to myself that obviously this stranger, but what else is a therapist who has only just met with you for an hour, was mistaken. They weren't. This "stranger" was the first person to give me hope. The first person to tell me that I wasn't crazy and that I was going through could be helped. This stranger could possibly be credited with saving my life. But that's a story for another time.

The thing is, depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care if you are rich or poor, black or white, religious or agnostic. It doesn't care if you have 56 friends or no one to turn to at the end of the day. It doesn't care if you have a good paying job, a family to call home, and a fridge full of food. Depression doesn't care.

I'm having a hard time with this right now. Because I get it. I've been there, I am there -- whatever the terms you want to use, I get it because I've lived through it. But there are people out there who don't get it. And I don't blame them. They haven't felt that weight on their body saying it's okay to spend another day in bed without answering the phone. They haven't seen the looks of disapproval when you turn down yet another invitation for something that actual sounds pretty exciting. They haven't been so lost and confused inside their own head that they can't quite figure out if any of this is worth it. So I don't blame them. I'm actually really happy for them. I hope they never have to experience these things. But I want to talk to them, I want to talk to you. It's important and I need for you to listen.

To those who haven't been depressed:
I'm not looking for sympathy, but I am looking for understanding. Depression is ugly. I will never stop saying that. It is not a choice. No one wakes up in the morning and chooses to live in a fog of not knowing whether they can physically and emotionally make it through the day. Depression is not an excuse for poor life choices. It is not just a label that someone chooses in order to "get out of real life." Depression is dark. It is hard. It is a constant, every second of every minute of every hour battle. Depression is exhausting -- mentally and physically exhausting. It is a feeling of incomparable helpless.
So please don't roll your eyes, don't tell me to try harder, don't judge me in ways that you wouldn't want to be judged. I'm not lazy. I don't lack focus. You don't get it. And I understand that. But take the time to listen to a friend who needs to vent. Take the time to reach out and ask if everything is okay. In the end, the best thing you can do is listen.

The first (and second) time I was given that label, I didn't tell anyone. I made it a personal battle that I was determined to fight alone. I didn't want anyone to know how bad it had gotten. I didn't share how helpless I felt and how broken I was. The first time that label was given to me, I never got over it. I just tried to ignore it and pretend I was fine. The second time, I cried so hard I had my first panic attack. I couldn't breathe and I was terrified of what was happening to me. But again I was determined to never tell anyone how bad things were.
It wasn't until a new stranger (now one of my best friends) came into my life, held my hands, and told me we would fight this together that I realized how important it is to have support through all of this. It wasn't until the third time that I realized just how ugly depression is. It wasn't until someone told me I didn't have to do it alone that I realized how long I'd been holding breath.

I don't have all the answers and I will never, ever pretend to. But I do know that the best thing I ever did for myself was accept help. And I have since learned to talk about it. I've learned that writing is my biggest outlet -- not everything I write is meant to be shared but that's what the three journals by my bed are for.
If you are dealing with depression or anxiety or anything else, please don't think you have to do this alone. Please talk about that fog and that emptiness and the darkness. Talk to someone, anyone who will listen. Talk to me if you need to. I've learned that some of my truly heartfelt posts have led to awesome email relationships with new friends. So if you don't think you have anyone to turn to, turn to me. I'll do my best to be your friend and to support you through all of this.