The Ramblings in My Head; and something of a new sort

Lately I have been a terrible blogger. I have been so distracted. I start to write something but get stuck or busy and I hit that "save" button right before closing the browser. My drafts notification number is looking upwards of 7.... that's a lot for me. I tend to write and publish without giving it too much thought.

I had a blog post scheduled for Wednesday this week. But I returned it to the safety of that "drafts" folder. It was about religion... which is one of my least favorite topics to discuss, right behind politics. But lately it's been on my mind and I wanted to write it. After a long overdue talk with a friend, I reconsidered before publishing.

Let me backtrack a little. I wrote a post over the summer about where I stand on a few things. I wrote it mostly because I was asked some questions and I felt stuck. Writing was my way to get unstuck. When I first published that post, I was so proud of it. Now when I go back and read it, I question myself a bit. I tend to announce to the world that I am an atheist and I don't think much of it. But as I type this I have a book next to me that would say otherwise.

So over the weekend, I drafted a post about the ridiculous things I hear when I tell people that I am an atheist. Gosh, people are harsh sometimes. And while I may post it in a little while, I drew back from it for now. I sent it to one of my good friends and he called me a little while later. He said it was well written and he liked where I was coming from it, I was being honest--or I thought I was being honest as he put it. But really, "you're not as much of an atheist as you'd like to think you are." .... These are the types of things that I have to deal with. What is the world does that even mean?

So he went on to explain that I had a certain type of upbringing. And I did. I was raised in a Catholic household. I attended Catholic elementary school through fifth grade. I went to church on the weekends and first Fridays. I attended CCD classes. My parents did all the right things. But they also taught me to be independent. They taught me to question the world around me. They taught me to explore and make my own decisions about everything. And I think they did a pretty great job! Thanks mom and dad :)

I digress. We got into this whole debate that involved making a list of the things that I do believe and how I can't be an atheist because of some of them.... *headache* What started as "can I post this without upsetting people?" turned into a 45 minute argument over whether or not I am in fact an atheist. I'm still trying to figure it out because my brain is so confused right now.

Which brings me to the actual point of this post.... I took the long way to get here. I've decided to study religion, for the sheer fact that I don't like not knowing things. And I have found that I know very little about religion as a whole and as individual entities. I've decided to start with a devotional book for Christians. I'm on day 3 of 30 Words: A Devotional for the Rest of Us by Jarrid Wilson. I'm really trying but it is hard because it is asking questions that I cannot answer as an atheist... and I really, truly hate not knowing the answer to something. When I finish this one, I'm rereading The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz. I loved this book and tore it apart the first time I read it. But I want to do a reread and really try to take away more than I did the last time. I'm looking into some other religious-type books. So if ya'll have any suggestions, let me know.

This is a clear example of my ADD and I don't really feel like adding to my pile of drafts... so this one is making it's way out tonight after a quick read through. If it's awful, please forgive me! I'm working on some decent posts for the next week.


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