A Free Spirit from Jersey

It's no secret that I have a slight obsession with Thought Catalog articles. I get drawn in by people who are writing about my feelings, because they are having these feelings too. It makes me feel less alone in a sense.

Anyway, last night I was reading some posts on Instagram and came across one from Nikita Gill on Thought Catalog. I cried while reading it. It was like she was speaking to me soul. It was exactly what I needed.

It's two-fold: I needed these words for myself because lately I've given someone permission to walk across my heart by not protecting it myself. But beyond that, I needed these words to reach a friend. Someone whom I love dearly, but who has maybe forgotten the people who were here first. I don't resent your relationship, please don't think that. I just want you to remember the people who were here before this relationship and who will ultimately be here after it ends...

Do not allow him to consume you, it is the consumption that will kill your soul, that will destroy your self respect, that will take from you when you are not looking. Sometimes love attacks you in ways you least expect it, and the person who said that love is not a destructive thing lied to you – love can be a terribly destructive thing, only if you let it. You are responsible for your own happiness always, and your emotional well being depends on how you react to a situation, how you respond to him when you find yourself in a relationship and it isn’t making you happy.

If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong even when you ask over and over again, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, never stop spending time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. Do not allow him to take your attention completely away from anything that was in your life before him, whether it is family, your friends and the things you love.

Keep your friendships. Your friends have been there for you through many many relationships and they will be through many more. Giving them up for a man, even the best of men is a bad idea. And a good man will never ever ask you to give your friends up for him.

Most importantly, do not allow anyone to emotionally manipulate you in any way, shape or form. Recognise the signs. Someone who loves you will make mistakes, but they will respect you. Someone who is using you will not respect you and will take every chance to drain your happiness for what they need from you.

If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him. If he tries to suggest he should always be the most important thing in your life, walk away from him.

I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.

(original post)

Remembering to put myself first and be my own person has been extremely difficult lately. I'm trying to stick to the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I've got to learn to put myself first; it's proving to be a difficult task for my stubborn heart and mind. But I keep pushing forward.

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When life gets really hard, I tend to run. That's my escape from it all. I've run from reality so many times that I've begun to lose count. The farthest I've ever run was 531 miles -- obviously I don't mean running in the typical, lace up your sneakers and go, sort of way.

When I moved to North Carolina, I was not just welcoming in a new adventure and great opportunity. I was looking to leave some things behind. I packed my bags and headed out with a heavy heart, sad to leave behind the life I always knew. But with that came a sense of relief and the feeling of finally being able to breath again.

Feeling trapped in any situation is enough to make me run for the hills. Right now I'm learning that sometimes life gets tough and you have to see it through. You don't always get to pack your bags and run in the midst of something terrible.

So while I will always believe in the hopefulness that comes from a fresh start, I am learning that hopefulness can exist at other times too. Or maybe I'm learning that fresh starts can come even when we don't run from the life we once had.

Infatuation is mean. It is the ugly stepsister to love. But it can feel like so much more.

With infatuation, we fill in a lot of blanks. We fall in love with ideas rather than the actual person. Although this is a form of truthful attraction, it's not love. It's the overlapping of a matching purpose. A slanted guesstimate. Fantasy. And depending upon where you're at in your life and how much you want love or a relationship, it can like you won the lottery.
-- John Kim

Infatuation may be confused with love sometimes. And it can certainly leave your heart feeling broken much like love can. The hard thing about infatuation though is that you never got to experience everything that comes from true love. You never got to have that connection or that relationship. Sure, you got some feelings but where did that leave you.

We all have our ideas of the perfect relationship. I know that I sure do. And I know that it can be hard when my ideals don't align with yours. But I also know that I can't live my life fighting for infatuation. I wanted the idea of you, but I could never actually have you. Not the way I wanted you to be anyway. Because I created a side of you in my mind that didn't actually exist. I yearned for you to be different, but I wanted you the way you were at the same time. I didn't want you to change for me, so I changed the situation. I stopped fighting for it. And for the first time in a long time, I know that I'm going to be okay.

Maybe I did love you. But maybe I just loved who I thought you were. And I don't blame you for that. I blame this creative brain of mine.

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Life is messy. Love is messy. And well, my bed tends to be messy in the morning before I make it.
I've been adjusting and maybe it's taken my longer than others.  But then I remember that life isn't suppose to be easy. It is not suppose to come wrapped up in a box with a bow on top. It's messy. It shows up too early and chafes all the plans you thought you already had.  But that's okay. I'm learning to be comfortable with that.

Now, the comfort thing is going to take me a good long while to get used to. I like order and neat rows and packages with bows on top. However, I shall learn to make it work.

If you have any tips for dealing with this crazy, messy life, let me know!

Two days ago I wrote about being afraid to reach my goals because the end result scared me. I am afraid of the unknown and what comes next. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe what I'm really scared of is the future because it is something new and something that I cannot predict and plan for.

I am a Type A person, with a huge emotional side--it makes for a great mix. I'm a bit neurotic. I'm organized (with OCD tendencies). I'm a perfectionist about what I do, but never tear apart another person's work. I cry over little things. I react terribly to stress.  I am a HUGE planner. I like everything to be laid out and over organized and I want it to work out how I planned it.

But real life comes with speed bumps and road blocks. It comes with moments that last an eternity and moments that go by way to quickly. Real life don't fit into a planner. It cannot be neatly compartmentalized into neat categories.
Real life is extremely scary for someone who likes things the way I like them. And trust me, I'm the only person who sees everything the way I do. And you're the only person who sees things the way you do. That is the importance of learning to walk in another man's shoes. We are suppose to learn empathy through placing ourselves into the mindset of someone else. (I'll get into my thoughts on all of that in another post).

So I've decided that I'm scared of what's next. I'm scared of what's next because it's big. My dreams are big and while I may be scared, I'm proud.

Here's to you and making your dreams so big that they scare you!

I seriously wait for Wednesdays all week, just so I can do a quote dump and maybe make someone else's day (with someone else's words...)
Here's a few of the quotes I've been pinning and loving lately:

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these photos; all photos can be found on my "words" board on Pinterest (linked above).

Send me links to your quote boards on Pinterest; I'd love to follow along.

This post has been bouncing around in my head for a good three days now, and I'm still not sure of the right words.  I have so much up in this little head of mine that it all makes sense until I go to write it or speak it. Then I get stuck.  And that's a bummer because I can't sort it all out if I can't get it all out.  So here goes my attempt at making sense after a week (or 1.5 weeks) off from writing...


Like tests in school or red crayons in the crayon box, growing up is one of those things that you can't avoid.  It happens to all of us whether we like it or not.  Ready or not? Life keeps moving and inevitably we grow up.  But there is a difference between growing up because life is pushing you there and growing up because you are ready.   I think that to a certain extent, it is both of those for everyone.  Some people tend to lean towards the first option and others lean towards the second.  Right now I'm trying to figure out where I lean.

I like to think I have courage. But really, who wants to think they are a coward...?  So maybe I have no clue.  But I know that I want to teach.  I want to be a teacher. That seems simple enough right?  But what if that's not enough?  What if I want to be more?

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I'm really struggling with the idea of "growing up" and becoming one thing for the rest of my life.  I'm 22.  I want to dream.  I want to explore.  I want to travel.  I want to experience.  I want to teach.
I really, really do.

Sometimes, I think that my wanderlust comes from my desire to stay "young" or from my cowardice in growing up and becoming who I really am.  I think cummings had a pretty good idea of what he was talking about.

I think in life we get to comfortable in the comfort zone and we are scared to move on to something different.  Sure it is easy to say you are going to run away to Europe to with nothing but a backpack but please tell me the statistics on how many people who say that, actually go.

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I think that maybe the courage comes from final moving yourself beyond your comfort zone and seeing what is out there.  The end of my comfort zone is approaching quickly; I have an interview 10 hours from home on Thursday -- 10 hours is a long, long way from home for me!

So here's to new beginnings and pushing yourself to grow up and be courageous.

I woke up this morning and was feeling the need to share some of my thoughts. But a lot of times, my thoughts are better stated in the words of others. And then I realized it was Wednesday.

I started Wordy Wednesday posts a while ago as a way to really get my thoughts out, to share quotes I was loving, and to just generally ramble but say there was a rhyme or reason behind it.

In this life we are only given endless opportunities.  There are opportunities that we can take and opportunities that we deny ourselves.  I am not saying that denying ourselves these opportunities is the worst thing in the world, but I am saying that opportunities await those who want to take them!

I have recently realized how many opportunities there are in my life. I have begun the process of applying to school districts around the country. I don't want to limit myself because of my past experiences, I want to have an open world of possibilities.

I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to be open to all the experiences that the world has to offer.  I wish the world was more forgiving because I believe that everyone deserves the chance to dream and believe without having to worry about financial means.

Obviously, you need to eventually grow up and figure out your life and how to earn a living.  But who decided that 23 was the right age to have your life in order? I certainly don't and I don't plan on having it figured out in three months. And for the first time in my life, I'm ok with that.

I think it is really important to have new experiences and to be open to an ever-changing world.

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"I have to be alone very often.  I'd be perfectly happy if I spent Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel." --Audrey Hepburn

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